


A Beginning

by biscuitlevitation



Series: A Story [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Howard has issues too god damn it, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, Period-Typical Homophobia, Possibly Unrequited Love, STEEBIE-WEEBIE, Steve Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 02:28:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2252463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biscuitlevitation/pseuds/biscuitlevitation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A recap of the first movie, from Howard's point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I JUST REALLY LIKE MCU HOWARD OKAY AND I FEEL LIKE FANDOM REALLY MISTREATS HIM

When Howard first meets Steve, he thinks that Erskine is out of his mind. Why the hell are they testing their secret weapon on a ninety-pound invalid? Sure, the kid doesn't look stupid (Agent Carter doesn't seem the type to value brawn over brain, in any case), but he isn't exactly super soldier material.

But then he gets a taste of the kid's wry sense of humor, and sees his rapport with Erskine, and considers.

He hears him scream in pain, but still insist that they keep going, and he feels a glimmer of – well, not respect; Starks don't do respect – but _appreciation_ , maybe, through his nerves.

And then the kid reemerges, and his face suddenly matches the rest of him, a Greek god come to life. Howard feels that telltale spark of attraction ignite in his stomach, right before it all goes to hell.

Later, after the shitstorm that follows Erskine's death, Blondie starts his career as a chorus girl, and that promptly kills the reluctant regard that had taken root in Howard's chest. (Unfortunately, it didn't do anything but strengthen the appreciation that had taken root in his dick. Howard may be a deviant, but he's a deviant with standards, and he'll be damned if the kid doesn't look as good in tights as the female members of his entourage.)

Soon enough, the kid isn't content with just playing hero, and wants to try it out for himself, even though everyone but Carter can see that he isn't suited for anything but selling war bonds. Howard flies him behind enemy lines anyway, because Agent Carter's a doll and he may have a little bit of a death wish. He flirts with her a bit, just to antagonize Blondie, and because if he doesn't flirt with her he'll start flirting with him, instead.

Howard assumes that that's the last he'll ever see of him, until Captain America comes marching home with half the 107th at his back and plenty of HYDRA weapons to play with.

“Damn,” Howard says, a little distantly. He watches the swarm of elated soldiers with Captain America at the center, a haggard brunet fellow almost as pretty as he is at his side. “Erskine was right.”

They're quick to give him a company, after that. 

Captain America comes to get outfitted and becomes Steve. Howard is surprised to find that he likes Steve, even though he really doesn't like anyone. He likes his smile and his sense of humor, and he _really_ likes that Steve likes Howard right back (not Howard Stark, just Howard, and he's not sure what to do with that). He decides that he dislikes Agent Carter, and not just with the general disdain that he feels for most people, but with a very deliberate hostility after she shoots at Steve. (Howard feels a flicker of pride that it was his shield that kept Steve safe.) He laughs at Steve's half-joking ideas for his uniform, but designs it anyway, partially to fuck with him, but mostly because he wants to humor him (another first, for Howard).

And then he meets Barnes.

Steve and the rest of the newly-formed Howling Commandos are enjoying their last week of leave at a crowded pub. Steve's in the midst of them and a gaggle of admirers, almost half of them women. He looks adorably lost.

Steve's face lights up when he catches sight of him, and Howard feels an answering grin rise unbidden on his own face.

“Howard!” Steve calls, raising an arm, relief evident in his expression. Howard's smirk turns dangerously fond; Steve still has no idea how to deal with being the center of attention outside the battlefield, even after all this time. A good three quarters of the pub turns to see who Captain America is greeting. Howard shakes off the dame on his arm, whose grip just got much tighter, and wades through the crowd suddenly desperate for his attention upon realizing who he is.

“Heya, Howard! How've ya been?” Steve asks when he pulls up a stool that had been hastily vacated by a sallow English youth. 

“You just saw me yesterday,” Howard points out, just to see him blush.

“Well, yeah, I guess I did,” Steve says bashfully. And yup, he's turning pink. Howard smiles wider, sure that he looks like a dope, but not really caring. “Felt longer, though. I'm just kinda . . . overwhelmed.”

“I've been pretty busy, too,” Howard says. “The good kind of busy. You've caused quite the sensation.”

Steve chuckles and turns redder. They sit there grinning at each other like idiots until someone scruffy and brown-haired sits in the empty stool to Steve's right.

Steve turns to greet him, then remembers, “Oh, you guys haven't met yet, have ya? Bucky, this is Howard Star. Howard, this is Bucky Barnes.”

Barnes is the man who marched back at Steve's side. He watches their interaction with a carefully blank expression, but when their gazes meet it turns stony. Howard recalls that the reason that Steve went off in the first place was to rescue his best friend, and he feels a strong pang of jealousy.

Barnes offers him his hand. “Mr. Stark.”

“Sergeant Barnes.” He grips just a little too hard. So does Howard.

Steve either overlooks or ignores the tension between them, and goes back to chattering with them and the Commandos. Howard feels a little sick at the easy camaraderie amongst all of them, the understated but obvious affection between them and Barnes. He leaves early, reminding them to pick up their gear before they depart, and smiles at the inebriated roar of farewell they give him. He passes Agent Carter in a slinky red dress on his way out, and they trade frosty glances before she sweeps past him. 

Halfway back to the hotel, he realizes that he lost his date, but he doesn't feel particularly disappointed. He collapses on the soft but impersonal mattress and sleeps restlessly.

For the next year, things go more or less smoothly, or as smooth as you can get when fighting a megalomaniac Nazi with access to supernatural power. Howard slowly falls in love with Steve, has a small meltdown about it, and moves on. He starts courting a rich socialite named Maria, for appearances' sake, and watches obsessively for news of Captain America. 

The only thing that hurts worse than seeing Barnes permanently at Steve's side in the news reels is the picture of Agent Carter in Steve's compass. But misery loves company, so he finds solace in Barnes's eyes whenever Steve and Agent Carter are together.

He suspects that Barnes finds comfort in his own lovesick pining, but he doesn't begrudge it to him too terribly.

And then Barnes dies.

Howard is almost frothing at the mouth with the desire to see Steve. When he finally does, he wishes he hadn't. 

The best way to describe Steve now is empty. The roaring fire inside of him that drew so many to him, the fire that Howard loves, has died down to embers. Steve does his duty faithfully, but everyone can tell that his heart was left behind at the bottom of an icy gorge in Germany.

Howard has always known that he's a terrible person, but his smug satisfaction when not even Agent Carter can snap Steve out of it makes him ashamed of himself for the first time in his life.

A lot of things happen, after that. Howard can't bear to be around Steve when he is so defeated, so he avoids him like the piece of shit he truly is, and devotes himself to making better body armor to prevent Steve from following through with any bright ideas he might get in a firefight. He knows that Steve can't do that, not after everything everybody worked so hard for, but Howard has been trained from birth to think the worst of people.

And then that final mission happens, and then the plane – _and who the hell thought that Steve just magically knew how to fly one, Jesus Christ_ – and Steve finds the excuse he's been looking for. Howard doesn't get the chance to talk to him, in the end; he's too busy trying to find a way to save him with tech that doesn't exist yet. He doubts that he would be much of a comfort, anyway, so he leaves the teary words to Carter so that he can actually fucking _do something –_

Steve's voice cuts out, and everything ceases to matter.

He'll look for him. The water won't kill Steve immediately, not with the serum, and he can't just leave him to freeze when he could still be alive.

He'll find him soon. He's sure of it.


End file.
